General Jokery

repository of random, unclassified humor that will slowly collect, like bilgewater, at the bottom of the humor section — quite irrespective of any attempt on my part to stop it.

1. You must never make an assumption. Mption may resent it.
   
   
2. Q: What's the world's ugliest form of grease?
   
   A: Garg oil.


3. Some will call the media incurably liberal for allowing President Bush's intelligence to be questioned in their broadcasts (or on their pages) without once mentioning the fact that the president's IQ is a quite respectable 127.
   
   Others will call the media no such thing, noting that the preceding figure — admittedly through no fault of the president's — is most accurately preceded by a minus sign.


4. Despite our political differences, one of my best friends on FICS is a man who goes by the nickname Sqreater (short for Square-eater). A nice fellow, but always seems to be a bit hungry, asking me to "spare a square" (with apologies to Jerry Seinfeld) and the like.
   
   Some time ago, I told Sqreater that President Bush was trying to reach him and wasn't very happy.
   
   It seems Bush was about to say, "I stand foursquare behind the Iraqi people ..." when it was pointed out to him that someone had eaten two of his squares and the speech would have to be changed on the fly.
   
   The resultant oratory, delivered before a conservative group long a stalwart of the administration and broadcast nationwide courtesy of the Faux News network, was received with uncharacteristic stunned silence ... soon followed by rather more characteristic raucous laughter ... followed by more stunned silence when those assembled realized whom they were laughing at ... followed, inevitably, by more raucous laughter.
   
   "I stand," said the undaunted Bush, "two squares behind the Iraqi people in their quest for freedom from tyranny. And there America will remain."


5. New Song Title Department: "There Must Be 50 Ways to Lose Your 'Leader'."


6. New Definition Department: "Ground Zero": Beetle Bailey's worst culinary nightmare.


7. There was once a popular video game called Galaxian. The first time I saw it, I thought: So, now Armenia is getting into the video-game business?


8. Speaking of Jerry Seinfeld, here's a headline I'm expecting any day: "Sign Felled by Axe-Wielding Maniac." Or worse (and, sadly, more likely): "Sign Felled by Axe Wielding Maniac."

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