Titular Torsion

F PRELIMINARY REACTIONS are any indication, I expect this page to evolve into a quite popular feature. Based on a feature idea stolen fair and square from the Univ. of Calif., Berkeley, alumni publication California Monthly, it will eventually contain many of the over 300 titles that I have already twisted for your delectation, plus many more submitted by readers.

The idea behind Titular Torsion is simple. Take the title of any book, play, magazine, newspaper, movie or TV show, or the name of a well-known sports team or corporation, and alter one character, whether by deletion, addition or substitution, or transpose two characters. Then write a brief description of your retitled work or renamed entity. Sound complicated? It's not. Read the titles below, and you'll quickly get the idea.

Please note that some titles may be listed in more than one category.

1. The Book of Virtue
   
   "Virtue," as defined by Bill Bennett: "Resisting the temptation to draw to an inside straight."
   
   
2. Caliban
   
   Journalist/author Ahmed Rashid turns his attention to Shakespeare.
   
   
3. Couchpoints
   
   Your kids can learn proper TV-viewing techniques from a pro!
   
   
   
4. The Diving Comedy
   
   Dante gets nitrogen narcosis and writes about what he sees.
   
   
   
5. Heartbreaking Work of a Staggering Genius
   
   Dave Eggers' second book—written entirely while under the influence of multiple margaritas.
   
   
   
6. In Dubious Bottle
   
   Wine sealed with the contents of Sammy Sosa's bat may spoil quickly.
   
   
7. Moby Duck
   
   Captain Ahab sets out in relentless pursuit of the White Mallard.
   
   
8. The Once and Future Ring
   
   George Foreman's unauthorized autobiography.
   
   
9. Paradise Last
   
   First come Inferno and Purgatory.
   
   
10. Schindler's Lisp
    
    It wath tho bad, he called himthelf Thindler.
    
    
11. Scrub
    
    Molly Ivins' sad, but true, tale of our "president's" brief athletic career.
    
    
12. See, I Told You To
    
    "... And you did! Result: Newt Gingrinch and the Contract on America. Ha-ha! What a load of boobs!"
    
    
13. The Shopping News
    
    According to the Gummy Bird, Newfoundland is admittedly not the best place to buy fresh gourmet produce ... but you can get a killer fried bologna sandwich.
    
    
14. What Id? 2
    
    Eminent psychologists imagine what might not have been.
    
    

1. Binding Nemo
   
   Twenty thousand leagues under the sea, it's considered an act of mutiny.
   
   
2. The Germinator
   
   Ahnold returns as the world's toughest gardener.
   
   
3. The Hoarse Whisperer
   
   Actually, that's why he's whispering. (Laryngitis and all that.)
   
   
4. The Running Pan
   
   ... Quickly overtook the dish and the spoon.
   
   
5. Scar Wars
   
   The legal battles ensuing upon botched cosmetic surgery.
   
   
6. Schindler's Lisp
   
   It wath tho bad, he called himthelf Thindler.
   
   
7. The Shopping News
   
   According to the Gummy Bird, Newfoundland is admittedly not the best place to buy fresh gourmet produce ... but you can get a killer fried bologna sandwich.
   
   

1. New York Rimes
   
   " ... malapropized Mr. Bush, who then added, 'cause they named it twice!' The president then vociferously enjoyed his own bon mots, so very reminiscent of ...."
   
   
2. San Francisco Chronicly
   
   A metropolitan daily that, until recently, chronically declined to spell as others do. (E.g.: It had one of very few newspaper staffs that still smoked cigarets.)
   
   

1. All's Swell that Ends Well
   
   And peachy-keen, to boot.
   
   
2. As You Bike It
   
   Stay off the freeway.
   
   
3. King Rear
   
   He was a real pain in the ....
   
   
4. King Richard the Secord
   
   How he helped Ollie North shred the Constitution.
   
   
5. McBeth
   
   A new McDonald's product. No, you don't want to know what's in it.
   
   
6. The Merry Lives of Windsor
   
   His sins were scarlet, but his books weren't read. Of course, he was a bit too merry to write any.
   
   
7. Much Avo About Nothing
   
   Makes for a fairly bland guacamole.
   
   
8. Ring John
   
   Try Admiral Poindexter at home, since he's no longer directing the Total ... I mean Terrorist Information Awareness program sifting through your personal data. And just for old times' sake, give Ollie North and Richard Secord a call.
   
   
9. Simon of Athens
   
   Better do what he says!
   
   
10. The Winner's Tale
    
    "Uh ... well ... me and da team took it one play at a time. Da defense stepped up when we needed it. And da offense came up big in the clutch and really turned it up a notch. Coach says ...."
    
    

1. "The Ball of Cthulhu"
   
   Even Scarlett O'Hara might prefer to find something else to be the belle of.
   
   
2. "The Bills"
   
   A source of moans, groans and shrieks even in 1823.
   
   
3. "The Call of the House of Usher"
   
   I think I'd let the answering machine take that one.
   
   
4. "The City in the Tea"
   
   An eighteenth-century British nickname for Boston.
   
   
5. "The Craven"
   
   A prescient description of Senator Joe Lieberman.
   
   
6. "The Mosque of the Red Death"
   
   A soon-to-be-leaked Bush administration plan to reduce the numbers of "insurgents" in Iraq.
   
   
7. "Mrs. Found in a Bottle"
   
   Poe's characters' methods of disposing of their victims could be quite creative.
   
   
8. "The Murders in the Rye Morgue"
   
   Scandal rocks the funeral industry in the small town of Rye, New York.
   
   
9. "The Pot and the Pendulum"
   
   After a night of indulgence, Poe admits he did expect the Spanish Inquisition.
   
   
10. "The Purloined Litter"
    
    Yes, it's true. People have been robbed of garbage, dirty laundry, human and animal waste and remains, and worse.
    
    
11. "The Tall-Tale Heart"
    
    Edgar Allan Poe gets a little bit country after Lenore leaves him and lies about the reason.
    
    
12. "The Task of Amontillado"
    
    ... Is apparently to distinguish itself from sherry.
    
    

1. "Burping Down the House"
   
   When Talking Heads start to spin.
   
   
2. "Dive"
   
   What the rest of the Cars took when Ric Ocasek went solo.
   
   

Baseball (Major Leagues)

1. Anaheim Angers
   
   I think it's those damn bangsticks. Then again, maybe it's just Anaheim.
   
   
2. Chicago Pubs
   
   Visit enough, and you may run into Al Bundy.
   
   
3. Cleveland Indiana
   
   Hey, after enough games on the road, it's hard to keep track of what state you're in.
   
   
4. Los Angeles Dodders
   
   Let's face it: This is a veteran team. Or just plain old. Take your pick.
   
   
5. Cincinnati Meds
   
   The antidepressants they have to distribute after each season of futility.
   
   
6. Florida Carlins
   
   Everybody's a comedian. That's why this team's going down the tubes. One tube per player.
   
   
7. New York Pets
   
   Lapdogs in virtually any season.
   
   
8. New York Yankers
   
   Thanks to George Steinbrenner, they can yank any team's star and make him their own.
   
   
9. Oakland B's
   
   Year after year, they seem to overachieve, but never quite make the playoff grade.
   
   
10. Philadelphia Chillies
    
    And that's just the attitude from the players.
    
    
11. Pittsburgh Irates
    
    Another name for the west Pennsylvania fans.
    
    
12. San Francisco Grants
    
    Maybe if they get a big enough one, they can find a real hitter to put behind Barry Bonds.
    
    

Basketball (National Basketball Association)

1. Golden State Worriors
   
   With their track record, spelling is the least of their worries.
   
   
2. Los Angeles Rakers
   
   With all those stars, they should be raking in the wins.
   
   
3. Minnesota Timerwolves
   
   Counting down to 0:00:00 for another win.
   
   
4. New Jersey Nots
   
   As in not contenders, not credible and not relevant.
   
   
5. Sacramento Sings
   
   No. Wait. That's the fat lady.
   
   
6. San Antonio Spars
   
   Only they call it "practice."
   
   

Football (National Football League)

1. Arizona Cardinal
   
   He's the guy on contract to pray for the team to finish over .500.
   
   
2. Chicago Boars
   
   They have to make those Polish sausages out of something.
   
   
3. Dallas$ Cowboys
   
   Jerry Jones can be counted on to supply the $ that makes this franchise what it is: Uranus's Team.
   
   
4. New York Bets
   
   ... And generally loses.
   
   
5. New Yolk Giants
   
   They seem to wind up with egg on their faces.
   
   
6. Oakland Railers
   
   They have every right to complain a bit. And a bit more. It's not their fault; the league is out to get them!
   
   
7. St. Louis Hams
   
   They practice feigning fouls.
   
   
8. San Francisco 69ers
   
   Jennifer, I thought I told you to put that in the adult section.
   
   
9. Seattle Teahawks
   
   Better hide the Earl Grey!
   
   
10. Tampax Bay Buccaneers
    
    You really don't want to know.
    
    

Hockey (National Hockey League)

1. Calgary Flakes
   
   If they win the Stanley Cup, that'll be Canada's new breakfast cereal.
   
   
2. Detroit Red Kings
   
   They keep getting aced out by nominally inferior teams.
   
   
3. San Jose Harks
   
   Listening for the sound of the post-letdown budget axe.
   
   

Soccer (Major League Soccer)

1. San Jose Hearthquakes
   
   They're collapsing like a chimney of loose bricks.
   
   

1. "C*A*S*H"
   
   Alan Alda probably doesn't need any more.
   
   
2. "Slaw and Order"
   
   Come eat at Cole's Law, where shredded cabbage is the main course, with burgers and fish-and-chips for appetizers.
   
   
3. "The Simpson"
   
   A courtroom comedy starring O.J. and the Dream Team.
   
   
4. "Walker, Texas Danger"
   
   Pursuing a series of "bad guys," the eponymous star (George Walker Bush) finds it necessary to take over the statehouse and declare martial law and tax cuts for all (martial law for the poor; tax cuts for the rich).
   
   

What you see above is, of course, but a small sampling of what is to come. If you'd like to submit your own examples of titular torsion, send them to me here and, if they follow the rules laid out above and don't seem unduly offensive, there's a good chance they will appear on this page.

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